I Have Medical Trauma
There is an overarching boredom and ennui in my being at all times. Much of our small realities here on Earth seem pointless and inconsequential, especially our personal subjective feelings that overcome our whole body.
We all contain an element of the wilder self our ancestors were thousands of years ago, and this, contained in our hindbrain and brainstem region, drives our impulses, instincts, and innate behaviors. When a person becomes unhinged, their mind starts to integrate, and we cannot shut down or quell these savage impulses. We might let out a guttural growl or even a roar in times of distress, our higher minds overcome by the feeling of such wholeness and integration we hadn’t felt since older times. This is the human beast I had to fend off myself years ago.
The psychiatrist took one look at me after I described my “human beast” theory and decided he couldn't lower my dose. He thought I should be on more tranquilizers. I was exasperated, so I decided, “NEXT!” Then, I got a formal termination of care letter in the mail, so he wouldn’t be responsible if I did indeed need to be committed in the next week or two while I looked for a better match.
As soon as the doctors discovered I tended to go insane, I was forced to take medication, no matter what the side effects were, at least, the medication of the time. And there was no other way, no therapy, no counseling, that could reverse their decision. I went through every day lethargic, bored, and incredibly frustrated, and I couldn’t feel the full range of human emotions anymore that I thought I had the natural right to.
I felt this fate was overly harsh for someone as young as me, in her early 20s, and in fact, I lost the entirety of my 20s in a depression, not fully alive. I had no family or friends who supported me or fully understood what I was going through and wanted to help me find an alternative way to remain normal and not lose an integral aspect of my personality.
It is essential to get people to love and care about you. Sometimes, people naturally do, and these are our family, but if someone were to choose to be my family out of pure love, they would not. My extended family, maybe only one out of possibly a thousand…