Selective Mutism

My mind is often blank, quiet, still, peaceful. My thoughts come through instead of with internal dialogue, an abstract form of consciousness heavily influenced by symbols, metaphors, and images from my memory. My imagination has a life of its own, growing, evolving, creating in the background, to present itself randomly through daily insight and thought. The formlessness of my mental existence during waking hours leaves little room for self-expression and enthusiastic story-telling unless I risk speaking unprepared, directly from my abstract mind. The nature of my mental functions is one of the reasons why I developed selective mutism for most of my early years.

The sorrow for missed opportunities, regrets, frustration, and anxiety I experience today is largely due to not being able to speak in my youth when necessary. My personality did not develop, I was not able to know myself, and I did not connect with others who understood me, that is, until I began writing and was set free.

The first time I truly expressed myself in all its glory, the first time I came alive, was through online conversation, and it was extraordinary. I wrote excessively through a medium I knew well, came alive with the creativity of language, and learned who I was and how wonderful it was to share that with other people. I developed a quirky personality with passions, goals, and interests. The silence had ended…